This is a guest post by Amber F., newly adopted and welcomed as a member of the Jewish people. Her Hebrew name is Hadassah Ruth.
I was 15 when I realized that I did not believe in God, Jesus, and ‘Church’ the same way my family and childhood church believed in them. I was raised as a fundamentalist Christian and the blatant misogyny, racism, and homophobia were more than I could tolerate. I left home at 22 and never returned to that particular church. I bounced around various sects of Christianity for most of my twenties. I just knew that if I could find the ‘right’ church, it would all click for me. After trying multiple Protestant denominations and even a conversion to Catholicism, I gradually concluded that I was not a Christian. I could never make the idea of human sacrifice to atone for my sins make sense. I could not comprehend the concept of a personal God that would listen to my prayers but ignore genocides.
While exploring world religions during my deconstruction, I learned about Judaism. I never expected to be drawn to it as the closest synagogue is about 100 miles away from me and I had only met a handful Jews in real life. During my studies, I become enthralled with the Jewish religion and culture. I immediately gravitated to the concept of tikkun olam. I had been raised to believe that the world is a temporary and unimportant thing. I loved the idea of improving the world as a sacred commandment. I also enjoyed learning more about the Jewish concept of the afterlife. Hell was used for intimidation and I often felt as though fear of God and love of God were intertwined for most of my life. Even though I was starting to doubt the existence of God for myself, the idea of worshipping God out of love and not out of fear of eternal punishment sounded like a much healthier way to live. I watched Reform services online and was fascinated. I felt like I couldn’t get enough. And then there was Jewish culture. The significance of family. The holidays. The food. The numerous scientists, comedians, and activists that were Jewish. I felt a profound connection to Judaism that I was so surprised to feel.
That connection also made me disappointed. As I previously stated, I live many miles from any type of Jewish community, I have no Jewish ancestry that I am aware of, and during this time I was starting to realize I no longer believed in a personal God. How could I ever become a member of the Jewish people if I’m not ethnically Jewish and I don’t believe in God? Why did I feel a sense to belonging to the Jewish people when I had no ‘claim’ to them? I researched conversions and knew that it would be unlikely for me to accepted in most Jewish movements. I tried to put the thought of becoming Jewish out of mind and looked for ways to explore my new humanistic beliefs. I found the Unitarian Universalists and begun participating in their online events and services. It was great to meet other humanists and become active in secular circles. They were wonderful, but I felt like I was missing out on the depth and beauty of Jewish culture and life.
I found out about Humanistic Judaism through the American Humanist Association. A little bit of Googling led me to the SHJ. It almost didn’t seem real to me. There was an organization devoted to secular Judaism? I could adopt Judaism (and the Jewish people could adopt me!) without belief in God? It was too good to be true! I read everything I could find on the website, watched numerous videos on YouTube, and order Rabbi Wine’s book. I knew after a few days of my initial discovery that Humanistic Judaism was my home. I could cultivate that sense of Jewish belonging within me without having to compromise my beliefs. I could learn more about Judaism and further develop my Jewish identity in a safe and loving space. For me being a Humanistic Jew means accepting the rich and beautiful culture of Judaism, while also taking responsibility for improving my part of world (tikkun olam). I am honored and proud to be a Jew.
Thanks so much for this post, as someone on a very similar journey of adopting Humanistic Judaism this really resonates.
Thank you Amber for your thoughtful description of your journey to Humanistic Judaism and for sharing your feelings of comfort and belonging. I’m sorry it wasn’t easier to find us, but we do embrace those who join. Welcome!
I’m an SHJ board member from Maryland – I’m happy to talk further if you wish.
Marlene
MarleneCCohen@comcast.net
Hi Amber! Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I am on a similar one and have recently found SHJ and am so thankful. I would love to connect and swap study approaches and resources as I also live far away from other HJ communities. My email is amandaRBremner@gmail.com